“THE world’s most esteemed eating places are almost entirely populated by dicks.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that in the world’s top 50 restaurants over 85 per cent of the clientele were overconfident, inexplicably wealthy red men wearing open-necked shirts tucked into stone washed jeans.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Mostly they are company directors with Timberland deck shoes, loud pompous laughs and an unhealthy interest in what the waitress does at weekends.
“They tend to have gouty complexions and uncannily thick hair like a slicked-back animal pelt.”
Self-styled gourmet Martin Bishop said: “I like yachts, drive one of those Porsche jeep things and refer to women as ‘crumpet’.
“I eat exclusively in Michelin starred restaurants purely because they are expensive, although for me it’s more about getting into an alcoholic stupor than the food. I’d just as soon have a load of chips.
“Once they brought out a little thing that looked like a bonsai tree decorated with delicate sushi and a scented foam that evoked memories of the sea. I smashed it with my big red fist, then demanded seconds.””